Is it me or has March been, uh, marching along this year?
Ha! Just kidding. That was a terrible joke. If I cared about being a comedian, then my shame (which is all about following the rules I set for myself) wouldn't have let me write that. Since that's not important to me, but connecting with you and showing you how your wonderful and indispensable shame works in mysterious ways is, I did.
Since shame is a multifaceted and mischievous emotion, I'm going to use my own journey with shoulds, just one of the facets of shame, to help illustrate the inner workings of this emotion. (A note about shoulds: another way to think of them is as core beliefs, or contracts, that are stored deep within your subconscious, and they may or may not be of your choosing.)
As part of my mission to embrace my emotions - all of them, even, no, especially the uncomfortable ones - I've been doing some uncomfortable things this winter. Things that my shame is telling me I need to do, like letting go of coffee (even though it's delicious) because it only adds to the anxiety I feel most of the time, and letting go of the idea that I should be 'normal,' because there is no normal, and it's impossible to be something that doesn't exist.
Now, the thing is, those things have felt like shoulds for a long time; things I should be doing to be successful, happy, and to fit in. But they don't work for me, and my depression, which is all about telling me when something isn't working by sending my energy away, has been very present this winter as I work through these old shoulds.
These shoulds I was holding on to all needed to be examined, pulled apart, and updated or released. Looking at the should contracts that I held close to my heart takes time, both to gain perspective, but also to process the mixed emotions I have around these shoulds. In what ways did this should serve me? Do I feel anger, shame, hatred, or confusion, around this should? Is there some aspect of that I'd like to keep? Is there something deeper here I need to explore?
I'm adding a beauty break here. Shame is a an emotion-laden topic and looking at a beautiful photo of nature can help with emotion-regulation.
Often the shoulds I discover I'm carrying around astonish me, in the sense of, where did that come from? I almost feel like craning my neck behind me to see where it's been hiding.
(Actually, you could do this. If you're familiar with the Defining Your Boundary practice, you could just look around your boundaried space to see where that should has been hiding all this time, and if it has any friends!).
Once I become aware of a should, then I have some options. I can use one of the practices that Karla McLaren's created, called Burning Contracts, to remove the old belief and make way for one that's more fitting to my current situation.
Writing it out like this sounds like a simple awareness practice: just notice when you're telling yourself a should, assess it, and Burn Contracts if necessary! Voila, you're an emotional pro! (If only it were so straightforward).
But emotions are many-layered, and shame seems to be especially so. Shoulds are an aspect of shame, but not necessarily something you've agreed to. If you find yourself feeling that you should do or be something, then that's a good indicator that that should probably comes from someone or something outside of yourself and your own internal compass.
Being able to identify when you feel a should means you're listening to your shame. When do you most feel shoulds? Is it around people, or when you're trying something new? Is it omnipresent, or a rarity? Just becoming aware of your shoulds is a big step towards working with your indispensable shame.